The Color Red

Red is
blood and heartbreak
it’s eyes that have cried
too long and hard
and it’s old bricks
worn to rubble.

But red is also
summer roses
it’s sunsets over the lake
and it’s my mother’s
favorite color.

Red is
angry and brash
comfortable and warm
and it’s the difference between
I love you and
I miss you.

I’m not sure
how I feel about
the color red.
Maybe because it’s already
halfway to pink
or because roses are
my favorite flower
but I find the red ones
too cliche.

Perhaps it’s because I’ve
seen the anger
in someone’s eyes
felt the difference between
I love you and
I miss you
and cried too long
too hard.

Rebroken Heart

Let me kiss the
tears from your cheeks
wash away the
salty tracks they’ve left
smooth a little of the
exhaustion from your face.

That is what I wish you’d
say to me
but you don’t say anything at all.

Your heart was broken beyond repair
I thought I could fix it
glue the shattered pieces back together.

You didn’t mean to hurt me.
Of all people
you were the one who
understood what it was to have
someone walk out of your life
without a word.

But the pieces wouldn’t
fit quite right
and when you lost someone else
even more important to you
I felt the shrapnel
from your rebroken heart
pierce mine and
tear it to pieces.

I can’t love someone
who’s no longer there.
I can’t wait forever
for someone who may never come back.
I can’t protect myself
from being forgotten
unless I let you go.

I wish you’d come back to me
if only to say goodbye
instead of leaving me in silence.
Your silence says everything
but you don’t say anything at all.

Something Somewhere

I knew you’d be my
first something.
I never thought that
something would be
heartbreak.
I never thought my last
memory of us
would be watching you
walk away
your fingers still
hooked around my heartstrings
pulling them with you
until they snapped.

You never even
said goodbye
just turned away
and left your silence
ringing in my ears
until I could hear
nothing else.

Now I’m left wandering
trying to find
something
somewhere
that makes me feel okay.

So this is what it’s like to be lost.

It Can’t If It’s Still In Love With You

I used to
tell you everything
now you’re gone
I still do
I tell the ghost of you
who wanders through my memories

You speak so
softly in my ear
I cannot hear the
words you say
though I wish your voice would cease to stay
your whispers echo through my head

It’s lonely
here inside my mind
with none but us
this ghost of you and I
I think I’ll try
to say one last goodbye to you

Go now please
it’s time you left
I ask that you would
let me go
because my heart needs to grow
and it can’t if it’s still in love with you

The Five Stages After You

1. Denial
For months
I told myself
you’d come back
lied and said
I was okay
to the people who
love me
to myself.

2. Bargaining
I kept wishing
for one more message
one that would
bring you back to me
and take the pain away
I said I could
live with goodbye
if only you’d
come back to
say it.

3. Depression
I was lost
I didn’t know
what to think anymore
everything took
too much effort
I let myself
be alone
and let my fear of
the darkness without you
paralyze me.

4. Acceptance
I thought it was over
I met someone new
who helped me
back to the
sunshine I was
before you left
and I’m still
more okay
than I was

5. Anger
But things aren’t perfect
I still have
wounds
that haven’t fully healed
and I’m angry
at the anxiety you left me
the only thing you
really ever gave me
because I feel weak
helpless
and it’s keeping me from
completely moving on.

6. ?
I’m not sure
where I’m going
from here
I’m happier now
than perhaps I’ve
ever been
but I know I
could be happier
perhaps if it
weren’t for you.
I don’t regret the
time and love
I gave you
but I
can’t help but wonder
what if?

Better Poetry

It’s drizzling and cool outside
as I sit on my bed
with the windows wide open
water trailing down the panes

The air smells clean
drifting into my room
the chill giving me goosebumps
under my sweater

There are times I
prefer the sunshine
but this is
not one of them

Because rain makes for
better poetry

Things I Realized After Turning 21

It’s okay to feel
lonely sometimes
but don’t wallow in it.
You have people who
care about you
and will
gladly spend
time with you.

You’re allowed
pick the celery
out of things.
If you
don’t like it you
don’t have to
eat it.

Getting your heart broken
twice in
just over two years
will not kill you.
It will make you feel
weak and afraid
for a while
but you will
live.

A boyfriend is not
the only way to
quell the loneliness.
Your parents and brother
love you and
so do your friends.
Take advantage of that.

Spend time with your dad
when you’re having a
bad day.
He is a rock
and always knows how to
make you smile again.
Call him
if you’re not at home.
You will always be his
little girl.

Spend time with
your mom too.
She worries as
much as you
and she worries
about you.
Even if you’re
not okay
she’ll remind you that
eventually
you will be.

You’re going to make things
hard for yourself sometimes
and you’re going to
hate yourself for it.
Just keep moving forward
as best you can.
You cannot
change the past
as much as you may
want to.

Keep dancing.
It grounds you
and even if you don’t
do it for your own sake
do it for hers.
You never got to
say goodbye
and it’s part of what
makes you broken.
Dancing is your way of
almost talking to her again.

You weren’t really
ready to move to
Cape Town for him.
It would have
broken your mother’s heart and
as much as you
don’t want to admit it
broken your own.

You are young
and still naive
despite the
pain you’ve endured.
You feel too much
too often
and while it
sometimes hurts
it’s also what
drives you forward.
Remember to
forgive yourself
and have faith that
one day
you’ll be okay.