For Everything

For all the times you’ve ever refused to kiss me, refused even a hug, I am still full of contentment and joy in the company of you. For all the explanations back and forth, the why’s of my physical expression of affection, the why’s of you being selective and sparing of the same, I think I love you more. For all the things we know so far, and all the things we’ve yet to learn, I am certain this will be something built to last. For all the times I say I love you, I never mean it less.

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Home

If home is where the heart is, then my home is you.  It’s as true as it is sappy and cliché.  Even my parents’ house, the blue one on Clover Street, that used to be tan with dark red shutters, with the beech tree out back I still sometimes climb into to sit and read, the antlers on the shed now broken off, the one that held my childhood, feels more like home with you in it.  Even the car ride to take you back to your house, singing the whole hour-and-a-half, feels like home until you open the front passenger door and wave goodbye, holding my heart at home, with you.

Twilight

Walk with me
in the twilight
in the not quite day
the not quite night

Be with me
something closer than friends
but not quite in love
and we’ll take this road
one step at a time
walking in the twilight.

The Archives

Sitting alone on
a bar stool
looking out the
garage door window
of the arcade
watching the snow fall
lazilly drifting
to the streets

My one drink
paid for
a silly excuse
for a bar tab
waiting for my dad
to come take me home
sipping water

The fairy lights on
church Street
twinkling like
miniature
close-up
stars
as I sit
talking with you
so many miles away
hoping you’ll
still be awake
when I get home

How a Mathematician Falls in Love

I’d like to
take a compass
and measure
the circle
my arms make
around you
to see how small
the space is
we take up
together.

I’d find the equations
of the functions
for the parabolas
your arms make
hooked under mine
your hands pressed
tight against the
imperfect triangles of
my shoulder blades.

I’d trace the
plane of your
back as I
held you close
the distance between us
disappearing
the line where your
lips meet opening
to elipses
when touched with the
pressure of my own.

I’d learn the
geometry of
your body
every curve
every line
every angle
until I found
proof in your
measurements
of the ways we
fit together
so perfectly.

I’d count each
beat of my heart
in my chest
as your head rested
against it
the calm
steady pace
a measurement for
how long I’ve
loved you.

Don’t Understand

I do not have
many friends
and that is okay.
People aren’t nearly as
interesting as they
believe themselves to be.

I thought you
were my friend
but now I’m
not so sure.
You’re still interesting
but you don’t
understand.

You ask
“Why don’t you
go out more?”
Say
“He doesn’t love you.
Just go find
someone new.”
But it’s
not as easy
for me
when I seem to
see through people
so quickly.

Yes
I’m in love with
my best friend.
Yes
I know it’s one-sided
but I also know how
rare it is
for me to feel
so invested
in someone.

I don’t want to
let that go.

With the Future

For Leila Grace, with love from your cousin Caity.

I often hold hands and walk
with the future.
She leads me along
and tells me we’re both princesses.
I ask if her baby brother is a prince
since we’re princesses.
She responds by saying it’s
just pretend.
I guess Owen doesn’t get to be royalty
this time.

I often sit and paint
with the future.
She adds leaves and apples
to the stem of my rose
and invents new flowers
of the simplest kind
in all different colors.
I ask her what her favorite color is.
“This one.”
She points to
a different color in her paint set
every time.

I often sing and dance
with the future.
She hums nameless tunes
like the ones I used to hum
the secret songs known only
to the very young
that mean nothing and everything
all at the same time.
Today she is teaching me
how to jump
and my mother takes her other hand
so we can help her jump higher
that a three-year-old ever could
on her own.

I often talk
with the future
and she tells me
anything is possible
but some things are
just pretend.
I look at her
and I can tell
the future is bright
intelligent
and practical
with an infinite well of
creativity and curiosity
and I cannot wait
to see where the future
takes me next.

Unfinished Image

Before I saw
your room
I drew a picture of it
in my mind.

Your bed was taller
than it actually is
though
still big enough for two.

Your computer was
just next to it
on the right
instead of on
the other side of the room

and your walls were
much lighter
than the chocolate brown
of reality.
Perhaps the
vague white
of an uncertain mind.

An unfinished image.

Home

Driving through
unfamiliar mountains
budding green
with new spring leaves
and my thoughts return to you
and the way you make the
strangest places feel
like home.

I am a stranger here
but never with you.
With you
I am home
no matter where I find myself.
With you
I am always home.

Beside Me

I couldn’t stop crying, and you just sat with me.  We were both exhausted beyond consciousness, but adrenaline raced through me as my anxiety took over.  You talked of the mundane.  Of your aunt.  Of your cat.  Of the time we’d spent together the day before.  Eventually, I calmed enough to sleep, too tired to do anything else, and we said goodnight before drifting off.

It was way past when you normally go to bed when I got home from work, upset and irrational.  A family party was why I was so lucky to find you up, and I was grateful for your presence.  I still am, every time you send me a message.  Every time you call.  I can only hope you continue to stay with me, beside me, no matter how far away you are.