The One Who May Not Have Existed

I don’t often think about you anymore
once in a while
on days like this
when I’m a little sleepy
in the afternoon
but overwhelmingly content
I have a passing thought
wondering if you’re still
out there somewhere
and if you are
wondering how you’re doing.

You were the first person I
ever fell in love with
but how much of who you were to me
was the truth?
How much was lies
made up out of fear
or a desire to lead me on?
Did you really love
Harry Potter so much?
Were those really your
sisters’ names?

Did you leave me because
you cared
or because
you were too scared to tell me
the truth?
Were the lies so big you
couldn’t explain them all anymore
or did you really know better than me
how much better off I would be
without you?

I don’t miss you.
The only thoughts I have
are passing
and I still don’t know
if losing you was for the best
but I know that I’d be different
if I had never met you
never loved you
and I am content
just knowing that.

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Every Time

Every time you touch me
it’s like lightning and first snow
all at the same time
a white hot flash and
a cold chill that send
shivers up and down my spine.

It’s like coming home
to find out that
Mama made tuna noodle casserole
but with the peas
already mixed in this time
even though Daddy doesn’t like it that way
because I do.

Every time you touch me
there’s an overwhelming satisfaction and
a desperate need for more
and I can’t help but reach out
can’t help but hope
that maybe you’re
reaching for me, too.

Three Years

Three years ago today, I found my best friend. Took him to an orchestra concert, and talked with him until 3am. He heard a Tchaikovsky symphony for the first time that night, and the wonder I saw in him has stayed in my heart and mind since then.

The past three years have not all been the best of my life, though the last one’s been pretty amazing, so here’s to three years of knowing you, and here’s to a lifetime of learning who we are. I couldn’t have found a better best friend, and every day I love you just a little bit more.

She Smiled

She sat in her room and thought of him. Thought of his smile, warm and gentle, thought of his laugh, bright and kind. She thought of brown eyes, like melted chocolate, and a dark, scratchy beard. She thought of holding his hand, her fingers lacing through his, and of long walks by the river near his house. She sat in her room, so far from his. She thought of him and smiled.

Of All the People

Of all the people in the world
out there for me to meet
it was you I met in honors math
in college who swept me off my feet.

Of all the people in the world
who had the chance to know me
it was you who turned my world upside down
and gave me so many wonderful things to see.

Of all the people in the world
that I could have given my heart to
it was you who chose to treasure it
and let me build a home with you.

More

Whenever I spend time away from you, it feels like I’ve forgotten something important. Like something is missing, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. But then you send me a message, say good morning or goodnight, and I realize what’s missing is you. The longer you’re away from me, the more intense the feeling gets, until the only desire I have is seeing you. It’s ridiculous how much I love you, and how much I miss you, but I wouldn’t want to stop loving you, no matter how much relief it brought, because I know that just being where you are will always bring me more.

Tired

Sometimes
it’s hard to be around
people who don’t know
keeping the mask on
pretending I’m okay
trying not to
let them see
just how damaged I am inside.
It makes me tired.

But sometimes
I get to spend the day
with you
and all the worries
all the pain
wash away
the mask falls off
and there’s still a
smile on my face.
You take my tiredness away.

Hole

The lethargy of a
broken heart sets in
but there is no heart
to be broken
just the great pain
with the loss of a lover
the emptiness left
with the loss of a friend
and the aching question
of whether it’s possible
to start anew once again

Five-Thirty

Five-thirty in the morning
the warmth or your chest
pressed against my back
your left arm wrapped
securely around my waist
your right threaded under my neck

You buried your face in my hair
as our legs tangled together
in a rare moment of vulnerability
fueled by mutual exhaustion